Baron Davis, dressed for success.

Boom Dizzle rocking the old school outfits and looking damn good.

Ime Udoka is so very awesome.

So I ran across this little amazing bit of storytelling out there. Apparently the former Blazer and Portland native Ime Udoka knows his way around a street brawl. Here's the full story:

THE IME UDOKA STORY

It’s a trip when you get to know people. Ime was so quiet and I figured he was just some guy who could play with a Nigerian father. Well, folks in S.A., don’t be fooled. That dude in an Afr-I-CAN! I mean damn! The only thing non-African about him is his accent. We went to Nigeria, man… When they brought out the food I figured uh oh… He aint eatin’ th… What the?! Ime was tearing that Fu-fu (thank Jay-Z for everyone knowing what that is now) to shreads. I asked him about his adornment of the vittles. He said that’s all he ate growing up. Imagine my surprise when I saw he must have grown up doing the African ju-jitsu too.

When the National Team went to Algeria for the African Championships in Algiers, every team was on edge because the Top 3 squads got the invite to the World Championships. So after we lost to Angola in the semis and had to play Algeria for the third spot, they knew, we knew, everyone knew they had no shot. First quarter… Tactics. African ball, man. Trust me: as corrupt as can be. Despite all the cheating from the three-man (North African) refereeing crew they just couldn’t beat us. So the coach sent in their best player, who was injured but came in with a purpose. I think his name was Ali Bidane or something. We had the ball out of bounce under. He guarded me. As the ref handed us the ball, he turned, looked at me as if there was not a game going on. And pop! Not an elbow, not even a signature yours truly gutter. He decked me right in the jaw. I couldn’t believe it. And come on. I freely admit when I throw cheap shots. I wouldn’t hide it if I started to. I mean, I’m in the middle of basically middle eastern country playing the local team. I know better (read on to see my contradiction). He nailed me, we turned it over, and yes, my Rodman 101 class did well. I looked up court, saw both refs back and calmly asked him in by most polite French, “Pardon me sir, I object to you striking me.” Next thing you know… Both teams on the court going at it. Wow.

Imagine my surprise! (My cheeks hurt). That wasn’t the real brawl. After we won was the real issue. After the game, they were waiting for us to come out of the locker room. And seriously, I didn’t start it. Kingsley Ogwudire was in front of our team in an all-out tirade in his best Arabic. The next thing you know, there were three Algerian players on him. Everyone was engaged in combat save me, if you can believe it. And lo and ehold… Ime! He was taking people out like in Mortal Kombat. Finish him! Incredible. I was so out of it as I had five guys I was fighting (oh yeah, the crowd jumped in as the fight spilled over to the court of the championship game of Senegal and Angola).

In the middle of the whole thing I heard Ime, literally in mid-swing of another opponent say,”Watch back, Gabe” and he calmly, I mean calmly, smeared a guy who, as I turned to see his warning, jumped from the stands with a chair to probably kill me or knock me out to where the crowd would have. I mean, Ime caught the guy in mid air with a fist and calmly continued his dispacthing of oncoming people. He and other guys (yes, me too) were whoopin’ so many people the crowd backed up. True to the letter! But Ime had the most notches by far. As we retreated to the locker room to kind chants of, “You cudly blackies! We highly doubt your ability to leave this gym with lives intact” in French, (it might have been a bad translation) all I could do was marvel at Ime. This guy, I thought, was a quiet American guy was standing there – all his stuff gone (gym bag, wallet, shoes, jersey) – with a stick in his hand we tore off the walls of the locker room in the middle of North Africa quite literally with our lives on the line… laughing. All the while I was texting my wife that I loved her and might have a hard time seeing her again while she was watching the whole incident on BBC News. And Ime… laughing. He is and always will be my 9ja broda. Ime… Wetin happen bros? Abi na notin. Notin dey happen. To this day I don’t know how we got out of there. But that night we ate like kings at the Nigerian Embassy. And Ime was with us… Killing his Fu-fu.

Tell me how I could have seen a thing like that if I had made the NBA out of college! You just can’t make this stuff up.

Shalom.

Thanks to Truehoop for finding the story and thanks to Gabe Muoneke for sharing it.

Hello and hi (howdy) from a long lost friend.

So I know I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I had a pretty good run keeping this thing updated and then I hit that rookie wall. I did a huge disservice to the community and I apologize. I can understand you are all upset with me but in reality I don't really think anyone gives a shit. So I am trying to make a comeback. Been lifting weights, reading a bunch of internet blogs and keeping up with breaking news stories. So lets see if I can win you back shall we? Ok, so most of my ability is based on posting things other people have posted but that I find funny as well. Let's keep that going with this little gem of amazing stupidity:

http://view.break.com/410861 - Watch more free videos
So here's some thoughts on this one:
1. I enjoy the kicking action toward the end of the wreck. You really get a feel for the desperate fear that this moron is having as he helplessly kicks his legs at the bike while sliding down what seems to be a sandhill.
2. Is that a sandhill? Jesus, are people really this stupid? oh wait. of course they are.
3. Speaking of if people are this stupid. Is it unfortunate that I can see this happening out at the Rickreal Open with my friends? I mean I can imagine at least 3 people I know making this completely idiotic mistake at 4am wasted on root beer schnapps.
Thanks for reading and I promise to make some more posts soon.

P.S: why don't I just hand this whole blog over to clips I find humorous? Ok, I will!

Bill Walton. Throwing it down old school.

So I found this rambling about on the internet and I figure the world must see it.
Thanks to the NBA Fanhouse for the find.

Holy crap...

Gilbert Arenas just blew my mind...again. This man is a pure genius. I will just have to go ahead and directly quote him on this one:

There Are No Such Thing as Shark Attacks

I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there.

There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.

I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We’re humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.

A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”

Yes, I have been hearing a lot about these "landsharks":

Garnett heads east.

-Psst...I stole this pic from Freedarko, don't tell anyone, ok?

So Boston has pried away the Big Ticket from Minnesota and it only cost them an arm and half a leg. The Associated Press is reporting on this "unofficial" story but it would appear it is all but a certainty KG will be in the Town of Beans next season. Coming to the Timberwolfies is a veritable smörgåsbord of players (keep in mind this is not an official list as it can change but will most likely include some assortment of these guys): forward Al Jefferson, guard Sebastian Telfair, swingman Gerald Green and center Theo Ratliff. Along with these players is most likely a future first round pick and a photograph from the future showing the grave Danny Ainge will be buried in if the Celtics fail to win a championship (it will disappear a la "Back to the Future" if they do win).

Tom Ziller over at the NBA Fanhouse makes a very interesting point about all this:

You know what else that would mean? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen would earn roughly $60 million in 2008-09, and about $64 million in 2009-10. Yes, the team will be close to the luxury tax for the next three seasons on just those three salaries. (Meanwhile, San Antonio's Big Three -- Duncan, Parker, and Manu -- will cost about $40 million a year during that stretch.) And if the purported trade scenario comes true -- most good young Celtics prospects and a handful of draft picks are due to Minnesota -- then the well for cheap but productive role players is bone dry. Even funding the midlevel every year would get too pricey with luxury tax considerations.

This all points to the fact that Boston is gonna need to win a championship soon or else heads will roll

Get all smart and stuff...

There is an interesting article in the New York Times from a few days ago that takes a look at the gambling shenanigans that have been rocking the NBA. Read up and tell me what the hell it all means.

Greetings from the Oregon Coast. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties

Well, welley, wellerton. I am out at the Oregon coast with my family for the weekend and what do I find at the beach house my mom is renting? Cable and wireless internet that's what. What a world we live in my friends, what a world. So I am spending my morning not on the beach in the rain but watching every stupid rider bio piece Versus has put together with a little ticker banner at the bottom of the screen explaining that they are having technical difficulties and can't show the Tour. Why god why?

Moving on though, there are some interesting articles over at cyclingnews.com about the fallout from this year's catastrophic Tour drama. In particular I find the response from Kloden (or Klodie) insightful:

• "They seem funny to me," he started. "Vinokourov is supposed to have doped with someone else's blood. He knew that he would be controlled. That's like when someone sees a radar control in an 80 kmh zone and races through at 150 kmh. The same goes for Matthias Kessler. He had a testosterone value that had never before been measured so high. And that between two races which he was racing to win and had to reckon with controls. Nobody is that dumb."

• "Maybe I'll just quit entirely," he told German tabloid BILD. "I'm afraid that the sport is being criminalised, we could end up in prison. What happens if someone pours something illegal onto my salad? Suddenly I test positive and go to jail. I don't want that, I have a family. The whole thing doesn't make sense any more."

• Klöden's "adventurous" theory for the whole thing was a power fight between the UCI and the ASO for control of the Tour de France. "Intrigues are being woven, everyone wishes each other the worst," he said. "It has to do with a lot of money. What if someone is manipulating things in order to destroy it all and then take over the remains?"

Oh boy, those wacky Germans and their wacky conspiracies. I mean who heads up the UCI? The Illuminati? During a press conference UCI President Victor Von Doom had this to say:

I mean what's to worry about? I'll put up the official results later in the evening when everyone has gotten to watch it for themselves. In the meantime here are some funny things my brother showed me on this interweb thingy:

• Pictures of kitties with funny made up quotes? So awesome.

• "Once there was a gay boy who wished for a planet full of unicorns."

• This is so good I feel the need to embed the video in the page to make sure everyone watches it. This kid makes me believe the tooth fairy, jesus, and loves-a-lot bear all exist and gives me a warm feeling inside knowing that he is out there somewhere, honing his craft:

The bell tolls for thee...

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
-John Donne

Well, it has been a rather sad couple days over in France as it seems everyone has been asked to leave the Tour. Rasmussen, Moreni (and the entire Cofidis team), Vinokourov (and the entire Astana team): all kicked out or asked politelty to get the hell out.

So what's left? 143 riders are remaining and the outlook is dim for the future of the Tour much less for the sport. I have been so busy reading the scandals I haven't even been able to keep up with the freakin' new standings. I do know that Contador is leading the pack now and the entire peloton will be crying all the way into Paris as more and more sponsors run screaming the other way.

I am working hard at keeping the faith but with crooked refs and doped up cyclists I am having some trouble keeping up. Tomorrow I will collect myself and get some results and more info up. James has sequestered himself on the southeast side of town so there has been no Bigman Shoes conference (sitting at the bar till close rambling to each other) for awhile. Check back for more info and some lighter-hearted sort of posts. Posts that involve pictures of dudes like this:



P.S: My brother-in-law (or cunado en espanol) is totally awesome. (He forced me to put that. He is in fact very scary and will someone please call the police and send them to the Motel 6 on Stark and 91st to deal with him!)

Time for a little C-Murder update

To all my fans I apologize for not being a more active part of the blog lately. I have been busy dominating the bike polo world and since apparently my IPhone got accidentally shipped to Africa I am not able to post to the site using my current cell technology(as you can see below):


But let's face it, my fingers are far too fat to use that fancy Iphoneythingamajig anyway. So let's get cracking with some interesting news:

• Refs fixing games? Making questionable calls? somebody call Dick Tracy because if my hunch is correct "there's a whole lot of pudding to be found under this rock" (huh?). NBA referee Tim Donaghy is under investigation for helping the mob fix NBA games (like this one). I heard word that he is seeking Federal protection a la "Goodfellas" which makes me think he'll get a visit from a couple guys that look a bit like this sometime soon.
• Kobe is lighting up the USA Basketball mini-camp this past week. "Black Mamba" led his "blue" team to a win over the "white" team in an intersquad scrimmage and now must face the "red" team which I am pretty sure will be made up of the superhuman (no mutants!) team: The Avengers and will be officiated by refs painted green. Oh yeah Kobe, good luck guarding Moon Knight during a full moon.
• In case you haven't checked out the amazing site known as "The Wizznutzz" you should really get a move on it. I recommend starting here and then moving on to this. Basically the whole damn thing is unbelievable but these are some of my favorites.

So that's about it for me I guess. Just wanted to touch base and put up some dumb pictures and funny links. Get a move on with looking at it all cause there's a quiz on Thursday. Oh and here's one more pic to send you on your merry way.

Alpenrose Sixday Photos

Bigman Shoes will be enjoying Post Sixday Bloody Marys and watching the Tour today but here are some photos—we never claimed to be photographers by the way.

The whole gang

The podium

Mike Murray

Sasha Lacey leads the field

We accidentally got a photo of an actual exchange.

Candi Murray giving instructions or maybe just heckling the field.

Darien Curl

Dean made a DC15 will save and the rain came to an end.

Jerome Dumortier coming into the Madison

Brian Abers



B's Podium

Steven Beardsley

Mark Blackwelder

And the view you've all been waiting for.

Alpenrose Six Day Six

Race 1: Tempo
"A Chink in the Armor"

Bigman Shoes was not in attendance for this race thanks to the wonders of TriMet but our man in the field Zak filled us in (thanks Zak). There were some early moves involving Jimmy Lingwood and Tony Kic but things got exciting when Steven Beardsley fell off the lead group and then went straight through the field and off the back--the first sign of weakness Beardsley has shown all week. Mark Blackwelder was able to pick up most of the remaining points but the Gentle Lovers (who finished one and two in the Tempo) failed to capitalize on an opportunity to put Beardsley/Lingwood down a lap. With an hour long Madison coming up perhaps there was a chance to take back three laps.

There was a long rain delay and the middle event for the day was scratched.

Hour Madison

Perhaps detecting a slight hint of blood in the water Blackwelder came out all guns blazing.

With everything to gain and nothing to lose Kic/Blackwelder attacked Beardsley/Lingwood at every opportunity. In the end Beardsly/Lingwood rode like the champions that they are and lapped the field with more than 45 minutes left to race. By the halfway point they had lapped the field twice and by the race’s end threw in a third lap for good measure. Steven Beardsley and Jimmy Lingwood are the new Alpenrose Sixday National Champions. Kic/Blackwelder were 2nd overall with Drake/Boxberger taking the third step on the podium. Simmons/Hoefer and Dumortier/Lacey finished 5th and 6th respectively.

Things also stayed status quo in the B race.

1. Abers/Bjesse-Puffin
2. Murray/Curl
3. VanValkenburg/Charboneau
4. Fisk/Bihlmaier
5. Mauntner/Hughes-Godfrey

With women turning out in such large numbers this year there are rumors of a National Sixday Women’s Championship next year. Exciting Stuff.

(Pictures should follow shortly. Check back)

Day Six Preview

The overall going into day six looks like this:

1 Lingwood, Jimmy Recycled Cycles 226
1 Beardsley, Steve CMG/Alpine Mortgage
2 Kic, Tony Gentle Lovers 187 -3
2 Blackwelder, Mark Gentle Lovers
3 Drake, Peter Fred Meyer 75 -13
3 Boxberger, David Fred Meyer
4 Simmons, John Shaw's 65 -18
4 Hoefer, Carl Therapeutic Associates
5 Dumortier, Jerome BBC 63 -19
5 Lacey, Sasha Veloshop
6 Hartley, Chad BMC 11 -29

It looks like the podium spots are pretty much locked up on this one with a Tempo, Points Race and an hour Madison on the card for the day. Unless there is a mishap (let's hope not) or the Gentle Lovers can pull off a herculean effort today (let's hope so). It looks, from my window anyway, that a rainout is possible. (Is the Alpenrose Six the new Rose Festival?) In which case this will be the final overall.

Day Five! Staying Alive!

Rain! ¡Lluvia! ¡Que lastima!

So the afternoon seemed like it would follow the course that the past four have taken: raining lightly all day and giving everyone the impression that the race would be called off only to freakishly dry out just for the races. The sort of crap that will make you go nuts. Today though the rain would not be denied and only gave enough time for a race apiece for both fields. Hopefully tomorrow will allow for a great final day and some nice weather as I don't like standing on the podium in the rain (since I am sure Candi will be giving us gold medals for our faithful coverage of this year's event...or at least some more ice cream bars). So on to the races.

The B group went on first with a slightly (ok...very) confusing 15 lap "progressive, repeating points race" (yeah figure that one out. I didn't). The laps counted up each lap till the fifth at which point I think the points reset back to one. So this seems like a bad race for those with less than average abilities with mathematics.

James tells me of a popular points race at Marymoor that put the points only on the prime numbered laps. I can't even imagine how crazy that must get. In case of a tie the winners must solve an algebra problem while riding a pursuit. Sounds more like a middle school nightmare than a race.

James is a bit hazy on this one but he thinks that Vanvalkenburg took a few good early sprints but then took her sprinters place in the back of the pack. Vanvalkenburg and Charboneau were sporting their amazing new jerseys that have delicious cupcakes on the front and their new team slogan "long hard last name" across the back (and both their names running up on arm, across the back and down the other). Abers and Murray continued their battle with each other as both teams remain on even laps and the points are important to secure a win.

Following the B's the A's took the field and went out on a Miss-and-Out fun ride. Lingwood made sure to sit on the front of the pack and avoid his previous mistakes in the "out" race series. The Gentle Lovers played the devils beautifully, putting racers down low and sending them to the infield. Lingwood and Kic sprinted in for a match with Lingwood getting the official call to come on in. Kic fell out the next lap leaving Beardsley, Hartley, and Blackwelder to race the last two laps. Blackwelder tried to take it long out of turn four with two laps to go, a bold and yet unsuccessful bid. "Ka-ching" Hartley led out with one left and managed to hold off Beardsley and take first place. By the end the rain had turned back on and the day was called done.

Some ideas for things to do with the surprise extra time off:

• Finish that novel you've been putting off. You know the one where a gutsy mustachioed bike racer keeps his terminal illness from his "unstable" brother and has a stroke or something while riding in a big race leaving his brother to finish and beat the dickheaded competition. Oh wait, that was something else.
  
  
  
  
• Watch every episode of MacGyver (I highly recommend looking at this site. It is incredible)
• Or just get some sleep.
  

Alpenrose Six Day Four

Some changes today at the Alpenrose Six. Riding relief for Josh Weir (who left for San Jose) was veteran Portland racer Mark Ginsberg. Ginsberg, who showed up to do the Points Race as part of the non-sixday events on tonight’s card, didn’t know he was riding the Six until moments before racing started. If I heard Splinter (Alpenrose’s announcer) correctly the team formerly Hartley/Weir for tonight Hartley/Ginsberg lost 10 laps in the overall for changing horses mid-race but were allowed to start on even laps for the evening. Though it doesn’t really matter, as Hartley will miss the last day to make it to Boise (good luck Chad!)
Win n’ Out
After the preliminary five laps Chad Hartley leapt out of the field with Steven Beardsley in pursuit. It looked as though Beardsley had left too big a gap to close. Never one to be counted out, especially since he appears to be getting faster as the Sixday goes on, Beardsley not only closed a gap the size of the Columbia but had the speed to overtake Hartley at the line. Fortunately for Hartley the speed of that lap was so blazingly fast that the rest of the field was nearly half a lap back and he was able to coast in for second place. While Hartley was taking second Jimmy Lingwood, who’s bane seems to be races with the word “out” in the name, made one of those mental errors that start to show up around day four. Lingwood didn’t realize Hartley was still off the front and thought he had taken second and consequently pulled up track and off the back of the field. This made it easier for Tony Kic to take third coming over the top of Mark Ginsberg. Mark Blackwelder sat on the previous sprint and with a sizable gap picked up fourth and Ginsberg recovered sufficiently to take fifth. Jerome Dumortier won the last sprint for sixth.

30 Lap Points Race


After the first points sprint Blackwelder just kept going. Recognizing this as a serious move both Lingwood and Beardsley took off in pursuit. Feeling left out of the party Hartley, who hasn’t missed a single move all week, quickly joined the three riders to form a quartet--a quartet that wasted little time lapping the field. Ordinarily this would be a joyous occasion, to gain a lap, but since Beardsley/Lingwood both lapped the field (gaining two laps) and only one rider from Kic/Blackwelder (Blackwelder) and Hartley/Ginsberg (Hartley) lapped the field (gaining only one lap) it was essentially the same as going down a lap for the day and for the overall. Jerome Dumortier managed to sneak a mid-race sprint away from the race favorites after they rejoined the field. Tony Kic took the final points sprint. (I was too busy paying attention to the overall implications of the race that I didn’t really notice who had what points and who actually won—oops.)
As previously mentioned there were point races today for racers not involved in the Sixday. As the 1/2/3 field was pulling up to the rail it was noted that Chad “Cha-ching” Hartley was stirring in the infield, changing his jersey, meandering toward his bike and yes, lining up at the rail. Why pass up an opportunity to pick up more of the evening’s prize list? It’s really too bad Hartley has to leave the Sixday early. He never fails to both provide some exciting racing and provide Bigman Shoes with something to write about. Hartley won the points race by the way.

30 Minute Madison
Blackwelder put in a big attack from the gun. Someone in the field was heard to exclaim, “Oh shit!” along the front straight apparently nonplussed by the early move. Beardsley was quick to bridge with Hartley not far behind and thus a familiar trio of teams formed at the front of the race—Beardsley/Lingwood, Kic/Blackwelder and Hartley/Ginsberg. A lot of attacking, counter-attacking and gap closing ensued but for the first time in the Sixday the lead three teams finished on even laps. Coming into the final sprint Beardsley/Lingwood had a slim two point lead over Kic/Blackwelder. Kic managed to win the final sprint to give the Gentle Lovers victory in the Madison with Beardsley/Lingwood and Hartley/Ginsberg coming in second and third respectively.
It was good to see Ginsberg make a guest appearance at the Sixday though it’s too bad he didn’t show up from day one. After the way he rode today it looked like he would have been a contender.

I forgot to get a cheat sheet from Candi Murray but the overall standings might look something like this:

1. Beardsley/Lingwood
2. Kic/Blackwelder -3 laps
(It gets really confusing here depending on if Hartley/Ginsberg were penalized for the rider switch and how many laps Drake/Boxberger lost)
3. I’ll say Hartley/Ginsberg are tied with Drake/Boxberger @-15 laps?
4. I believe Dumortier/Lacey still lead…
5. Simmons/Hoefer
(also everyone has some points)

(C-Murder is going to fix my more glaring grammatical errors, add some commentary, make observations and [hopefully] add some photos. So check back.)

If You Prefer

If you would like an insider's perspective on the Sixday or if you would simply prefer a more concise and coherent rundown of events check out Sixday racer Jimmy Lingwood's blog.

Alpenrose Six Day Three Sheer Madness!

Where, oh where, to begin--oh yes that’s right:

¡The whole freaking Sixday has been turned on its head!

Before we get into that though, just know that I was sans amanuensis (editor’s note: I am not a hand slave, more of a domestique) today and forced to write my own notes. Being that I am left-handed and severely broken on that side

makes my handwriting as decipherable to me as hieroglyphics and limits my reporting abilities (blame the injury, not the alcohol). So today’s post may be even less factual than usual. But none of that really matters because, “the goddamn plane has crashed into the goddamn mountain!”

First off, Joshua Weir of team BMC missed the start of the first race, the miss n’ out, which puts team BMC an automatic 5 laps down. Breaking the race wide open and almost breaking our jaws from amazement.

Miss n, Out

BMC went down the introductory five laps due to teammate malfunction but Sasha Lacey had the dubious distinction of being the first one to “miss out”. What would have been a big surprise had the previous event not transpired but was now only slightly odd, Jimmy Lingwood, who’s ridden impressively strong for the past two days, was pulled second. Which would have been a bigger surprise but with the BMC soap opera in full swing it only registered as a blip on the radar of craziness. Tony Kic played a magnificent devil for most of the race, no small feat at Alpenrose. Each lap around he looked to be the sacrificial lamb hanging on the back of the pack but he managed each time to pip someone down low. People sent to the sidelines by Kic included: 9th Boxberger, 8th Hoefer, 7th Dumortier, 6th Simmons, 5th Drake, 4th Blackwelder (oh yes, he nipped his own teammate, but what are you going to do when you’re the devil?). In the end it was Hartley, Beardsley and Kic battling it out for the three-up sprint. Kic made a one lap bid diving out of turn four with one to go but was quickly marked and passed by Beardsley and Hartley, so much for evil always winning. Beardsley held off Hartley in an impressive push to claim victory. Oh and by the way, Beardsley/Lingwood took over first overall with Hartley/Weir losing 5 laps. As the great Gonzo once proclaimed, “when things get weird, the weird turn pro”


Unknown Distance

Alpenrose tradition dictates that the distance of the race is determined by the rolling of dice. Since this was a two dice race (or 2D6 for all you Lonely Wizards out there) probabilities mandate that 6 or 8 will be the most likely distances. Trusting to the laws of probability no one went early (boring!). Carl Hoefer, perhaps tending more toward 6 rather than 8, made a bid on lap 5 but was quickly marked by the field (slightly exciting!). Lap 6 came and Peter Drake moved to the front, likely a disciple of 8 (the ocho). Drake rode the front for two laps but was failed by probability on this occasion because the magic number was 9. Oddly enough I can’t read what I wrote, but the finish was probably 1st Hartley, 2nd Beardsley, 3rd Lingwood, 4th Weir. 5th Blackwelder.


The revelations just keep coming. It turns out that Hartley/Weir came to the Alpenrose Six with the intention of collecting the fabulous cash prizes and swag doled out for days 1-3 (Ed. Note: This officially changes their Lord of the Rings affiliation to Sauron/Saurumon: the evil lord/wizard who attempted to conquer middle earth/Alpenrose). After cashing out for this race both riders have previous (but separate) obligations and may or may not be here for the remaining three days (No judgements here, it has been a pleasure to watch these two ride. Good luck to the both of them in their race season!).
Holy crap though! This is a whole new race. The five lap setback put Hartley/Weir in a bit of a predicament. If they wanted to win that green for the day they needed to lap at least 3 teams 5 times or more in the Madison.

40 Minute Madison

Due to all the previous calamity and the whole broken collarbone thing I really haven’t the slightest idea what my notes say for this one but the gist of it was....
After the first five laps the pace became rather brisk to say the least. The field exploded after the first sprint with Hartley/Weir and Beardsley/Lingwood pulling away from the rest of the teams and proceeded to put the proverbial “hurt” on the pack. Kic/Blackwelder held a half lap deficit on the BMC&GMC teams for ten minutes before succumbing to the brutal pace. Hartley/Weir gained a lap on the Gentle Lovers and a couple laps on the remaining three teams. More importantly in the race for overall Sixday victory and the national championship Beardsley/Lingwood gained a lap on Kic/Blackwelder, their closest rivals, heretofore which they had been unable to shake. Hartley/Weir and Beardsley/Lingwood worked smoothly together keeping a relentless pace no one else could hope to match without Burt Reynolds and Farrah Fawcett pacing the pack.

In the end Beardsley/Lingwood gained two laps on Kic/Blackwelder. It came down to the wire but Hartley/Weir in the last handful of laps gained their 5th lap on Drake/Boxberger to reach the money and keep their pride.

Crazy and Maybe Accurate Overall Results

1. Beardsley/Lingwood -1 laps 155pts
2. Kic/Blackwelder -3 laps 110pts
3. Hartley/Weir -5 laps 169pts
4. Drake/Boxberger -10 laps 55pts
5. Dumortier/Lacey -15 laps 44 pts
6. Simmons/Hoefer -15 laps 43pts

Post Script: We apologize for the lack of B group coverage this evening. I (Casey) had an obligation to fulfill regarding an upcoming bike-polo tourney in Seattle (our hated rivals) and couldn't make it out to the track to help James take notes and keep his pain addled mind concentrated. Tomorrow will be another day though so have faith in us my lads/ladies. Good night and good luck.

Alpenrose Six Day Two

Despite dark clouds looming over Alpenrose all day and two rain delays, day two of the sixday still went off. This looks to be a race for second in the A group as Hartley/Weir continue to dominate the field winning basically everything. There are however four days left and stranger things have happened.

25 Lap Tempo

After a mellow start the favorites decided to stretch their legs with Hartley, Beardsley and Kic putting a sizable gap between them and the rest of the field, eating up all the points and pushing the tempo to a dizzying pace. Kic eventually fell off the lead trio putting himself into the back of the group. Blackwelder realizing the Gentle Lovers were now without a man in the lead group and therefore in danger of watching the second place finish ride away bridged the gap to keep in competition. Unfortunately though Blackwelder made a perfect stepping-stone for Wier and Lingwood to catch up with their respective teammates. Blackwelder was now out-manned and out-gunned with no teammate in the group of 5. (We were told there would be no math so we didn’t exactly keep track of points. As such an accurate finishing order will have to wait to be posted on OBRA.)

20 Lap Progressive Points Race

Hartley took all the points in the beginning, and all the points in the end but was kind enough to let some other people do a little racing in the middle. During the middle laps Beardsley, Kic and Blackwelder escaped from the field. It looked like the Gentle Lovers might finally have the opportunity they had wished for that could make up some of the point deficit Beardsly/Lingwood put them in on day one. All was going to plan until Hartley blazed across the gap w/ the field not far behind. Lingwood, showing some impressive form in the Sixday, took one of the late sprints gaining valuable points to hold Kic/Blackwelder at bay. Shortly after Hartley flew the coop leaving the field tattered in his wake claiming all the remaining points. ( See above re: math etc)

30 Minute Madison

Hartley/Weir distanced themselves even further from their rivals in both points and laps leaving a daunting if not insurmountable task for any team wishing to catch the dominant duo by the Sixday’s end. The battle for 2nd, though not as prestigious still incredibly exciting, had Beardsley/Lingwood and Kic/Blackwelder taking every opportunity to try and shake the other team loose. Each time the dropped team would somehow claw their way back and push the tempo further—frankly it looked painful and all around unpleasant but that is often the best kind of racing. Beardsley and Peter Drake provided some excitement when they tried to occupy the same space on the back straight on a sprint lap. An audible clashing of elbows and words could be heard from the stands. Experienced riders both, it sorted itself out quickly without anyone hitting the deck (further proof that my curse at the track has been lifted).
As the Madison was drawing to a close Hartley/Weir were well on their way to gaining a lap and it looked as though Kic/Blackwelder had finally gotten away from Beardsly/Lingwood. The Lovers' legs were beginning to fail though and Beardsley showed us some of that stellar kilo/pursuit form he’s been unleashing early this season and at the AVC. Beardsly/Lingwood not only closed the gap but also left the Lovers behind to finish even on laps and points w/ Kic/Blackwelder for the day. Both teams put in impressive showings and even at times put some good challenges to Weir/Hartley but in the end Team BMC left everyone behind giving themselves quite an advantage in winning the coveted red, white, and blue National Sixday Champions jersey.

More or Less Accurate Day Two Overall Totals

1. Hartley/Weir 0 laps, 80pts
2. Beardsley/Lingwood -2 laps 73pts
3. Kic/Blackwelder -2 laps 49pts
4. Drake/Boxberger -6 laps 25pts
5. Simmons/Hoefer -8 laps 23pts
6. Dumortier/Lacey -8 laps 22pts

What If...?

What if the Sixday teams were duos from The Lord of the Rings who were forced to battle for supremacy of Middle Earth at Alpenrose in a bicycle race

Hartley/Weir—Gandalf /Aragorn--a really powerful duo who despite your best efforts will probably rule Middle Earth. If the Dark Lord Sauron couldn’t do it what chance have the rest of us to unseat these two.

Beardsley/Lingwood—Gimli/Legolas—Dwarves and Elves getting along that is just crazy. Axes/Arrows flying all over the place, these two have too many weapons to keep track of. Watch out.

Kic/Blackwelder—Pippen/Merry—just two plucky young hobbits who mischievously found themselves in a bike race. Yes, they’d rather be back in their hobbit holes eating second breakfast but since they’re here….

Drake/Boxberger—Frodo/Sam—occasionally invisible but you know that somewhere in there is some great power.

Simmons/Hoefer— Boromir/Faramir—oh man, if only their father didn’t pit them against eachother in a battle for his love, um, reaching here….

Dumortier/Lacey—Tom Bombadil/Treebeard—okay, these two never actually hung out but what if they did?

Oh yeah, and... C-Murder/Magnum (Big Manshoes) - Smeagol/Gollum- Two warped and disfunctional weirdos who showed up at the track and mostly just talk to themselves. James also hasn't been getting much sun lately so he is a bit pale and sickly looking.

Alpenrose Sixday Exclusive!

Just as the (le) Tour takes a rest day in the Alps today so that their hearts don’t explode out of their chests, so also we here at Bigman Shoes shall take a day off to rest our beleaguered livers in hopes that tomorrow we may begin abusing them (our livers) anew. This newfound sobriety is not entirely voluntary. The National Sixday Championship kicks off today at the Alpenrose velodrome

and for reasons best known only to themselves Alpenrose does not allow booze. “What kind of six day is that?” you ask; well not a fan friendly one that’s for sure. When watching a bunch of men ride around in circles while in their underwear occasionally holding hands it becomes obvious that a little booze, actually…a lot of booze, always helps. The Alpenrose Six is a bit of an oddball as far as sixdays go. What time of year is this? No beer gardens, no massive fields of grilled sausages, no polka bands?—okay, maybe no polka is not such a bad thing but come on at least get a zither party going on. The Alpenrose Sixday remains a much anticipated (and perhaps by some of the less masochistic racers a bit dreaded) highlight of the northwest racing scene. So let’s get into our exclusive coverage of this thing.

Day one of the sixday did not disappoint for excitement and absurdity—both favorite categories for Bigman Shoes Inc. The day started with 12 lap pursuits that seeds the two person teams into an A and a B groups. On rare occasion teams have been known to sandbag the seeding pursuit in hopes of having a slightly more leisurely race with the B group—an act also known as “mailing it in” (something Bigman Shoes knows a little something about). No one mailed it in today, although we did overhear in turn three someone tell her partner “all you have to do is finish.” Not exactly the stuff of legends but these two unnamed riders were promptly placed into the B group and got some good exercise and good times riding in circles for awhile.

The favorites all put in good times for the pursuits with team GMC Steve Beardsly(GMC)/Jimmy Lingwood(Recycled Cycles) putting in an impressive near sub-four minute time of 4:00:13. Snapping at their heels was team BMC Chad Hartley(BMC)/Josh Weir (joshuaweir.com) who initially looked to be setting the best time but one bad exchange was all it took to put them one second back at 4:01:41. The Gentle Lovers team (a Bigman Shoes favorite) Mark Blackwelder/Tony Kic picked up third at 4:05:08. Rounding out the A field were team Fred Myer Peter Drake(Fred Myer)/David Boxberger at 4:07:55, team Green Jerome Dumortier/Sasha Lacey(Velo Shop) at 4:21:30 and team Shaws John Simmons/Carl Hoefer at 4:27:40.

Some heated racing and thankfully a little comedy ensued in the second and final event: the 30 minute Madison. As many expected Hartley/Weir dominated the Madison taking every sprint and putting a lap on their nearest rivals. Not content to merely crush his rivals national Madison champion Hartley provided a little mid-race comic relief by getting hung up in turn three. Alpenrose can be a cruel mistress as every beginner and seasoned pro finds out sooner or later. Hartly found himself too high in turn three waiting to be thrown in. He stopped at the rail looking like he was prepared to swoop down like death from above—but this is Alpenrose. His wheels started to slip out and he grabbed the rail to avoid carnage. (Bigman Shoes found ourselves too long at our favorite bar The Florida Room and had to leave. Post continued below)

Bigman Shoes Odds for overall victory.

Hartley/Weir—1.5 to 1
Beardsly/Lingwood—4 to1
Kic/Blackwelder—7 to1
Drake/Boxberger—10 to1
Dumortier/Lacey—40 to 1
Simmins/Hoefer—40 to 1
Magnum/C Murder—Even

Alpenrose Sixday Bullets of Interest.

Just a few interesting observations I had while watching the bikes fly by today out at the track.

• A hilarious moment on turn three that had former Madison National Champ Hartley stuck up top of the wall hung out to dry. He took a steep angle uptrack and found that the wall was a bit different than the many other tracks he has ridden on. He lost traction speed but was high enough up to grab the top rail and hold on till a break in the racers let him slide down with bike in hand on his ass. Very strange moment but especially funny as no one got hurt because of it and Weir and Hartley were still able to gain a lap on the competition despite the delay.
• Next on the mishaps was Sasha Lacey losing concentration and slipping off the wall in turn four. Luckily he was all alone so no one was hurt and most people missed seeing it. Way to save face.
• The sound of disc wheels makes me uneasy still. The noise is unsettling and makes me imagine terrible things are about to happen.
• A big shout-out to the newly settled Portlanders by way of Seattle who served up a veritable smorgasbord of popsicles, pretzels, and sandwiches for James and myself. Way to really win over new friends!
• Loki (the dog) seemed rather disinterested in the entire thing. Go figure.
• The beagle there certainly can fucking bark. Those barks shake my soul and make me shiver.
• Next up in the comedy of errors--the Gentle Lovers Blackwelder suffers a mechanical of loose bars. Upon hearing of the mishap from the announcer Kic w/ a touch of irrational exuberance jumps in the race w/o drawing even w/ his teammate. The lovers follow eachother around the track for about 3 laps before tey realize one of them needs to stop. Despite the mishap the Gentle Lovers remain w/i striking distance in 3rd on even laps w/ Beardsley/Lingwood.
• More or less accurate results: 1. Hartley/Weir +1 31pts 2. Beardsley/Lingwood 0 18pts 3. Kic/Blackwelder 0 6pts 4. Drake/Boxberger -2 5pts 5. Dumortier/Lacey -3 4pts 6.Simmons/Hoefer -3 2pts


• Zak certainly enjoys the color black. He even had a black sling for his broken collarbone. Very stylish and very dark... like his soul.
• For the most part things weren't too sketchy out there. There was of course a bit of questionable maneuvering (passing downtrack of exchanges, coming up in-between teammates during exchanges, a bit of the wobbles in the sprinters lane during the B's comp). But all in all I was happy to see everyone being considerate and smart. I don't need to see anymore wrecks for awhile thats for sure.
• Holy crap what was that soundtrack out there today?! Europe "Final Countdown"? Terrible R&B pop madness? I was overwhelmed. The music made me so anxious that I was having trouble concentrating on the racing. How bout something a bit more subtle? Seriously, I am not going to take that techno pop bullshit for much longer. I will start getting all Bob Knight out there if it keeps up this way; throwing chairs at people and slapping little kids around. It will not be pretty.
  
• Thanks to Big Alex McFarland over at North Portland BikeWorks for lending me his van, Chub 2: electricboogaloo (aka: bride of chub). He is an amazing man and even more amazinger mechanic.
• And a big thank you to Candi Murray for patiently sitting with me and writing out the results for us. I can't even begin to say enough good things about that lady. A truly amazing woman.

And for our own sake here's the notes for tomorrow (if it doesn't rain that is! fingers crossed.):

• Bring some chairs! It is hot in that sunlight and we are both delicate flowers that must have shade.
• Request some new music out there. I'm thinking some Black Sabbath or serious adventure metal. In fact let's just get Calamity Claire out there DJing. Nothing says Madison Sixday like Manowar and Iron Maiden.
• Get some cool old timey reporter hats. You know the ones with the "press" cards stuck in em. That'll make us look legit.
• Get a camera you morons! We are not wowing anyone with our linguistic portraits and need some hard evidence that we were even in attendance.
• Perchance we can sponsor a new event for the Sixday. I'm thinking milkshake/malt chugging contest followed by the flying 200. Puke buckets will be provided.
  

That about does it I guess. Thanks for bearing with the babble. Hope it was worth your time. Hopefully we'll be out tomorrow for the next day of racing. It is a rather busy day though what with the Tour and school and... well....you know... all that other crap I have to do. Stay tuned for more incoherent banter and get on with the comments!

Satan vs. Hinduism

Cow takes on the Devil at Le Tour
By Susan Westemeyer

The Tour de France can be dangerous, and not just for the riders, as the "Tour Devil", Didi Senft of Germany, found out in the Alps. Senft, who appears on the mountain stages in his devil's costume to urge the riders on, apparently found a cow who doesn't approve of his act.

The cow attacked him, and tore a sleeve of his costume, the German agency sid has reported.

-http://www.cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=news/2007/jul07/jul16news2


Oh yeah. I almost forget. This is a must read for anyone who ever tried to get SWASS up in Seattle. A map of the route taken during the video for "Posse on Broadway" by Sir Mix-a-lot with accopanining lyrical references with each plot on the map. Oh those wacky cartography majors. So bored. So very, very bored.

On top of speghetti. All covered with cheese...

I know this is a day late but I somehow put this into the drafts instead of posting it so here we go:
Epic stuff at the Tour during the 8th stage today. Michael Rasmussen absolutely killed it hammering it on up those little hills they call the Alps. After making his "angelic climb" (seriously. You British announcers need to reel it in a bit with that shit) Rasmussen had this to say:

"I thought there was no time for celebration," said Rasmussen who crossed the line without a victory salute because he was concerned about taking seconds for the overall classification, which he now leads by 43" over Gerdemann. "We can do that tonight; there will be plenty of time."

As to what he means with that kind of talk I am not sure but perhaps this picture will give us some insight:

Looks like a bit of the old "Cocaine Wars" (After clicking this link I recommend scrolling down to the comments at the bottom of page that give a creepy recount of this fine film focusing mostly on the sexual aspects of the cattle prod torture scene) treatment is in order. Nothing says "Maillot Jaune" and "Maillot à Pois Rouges" like shoving your face into a giant pile of "lady caine".

Tomorrow is a rest day and following that will be a pretty serious climbing stage that should force the hands of a number of up till now quiet stars. I think there will be a severe sorting out with this one and when the dust settles we will have a better view of where this wacky ass race is heading.
Let's hope for no more crashes while we're making wishes. I am beginning to blame the Versus network ad campaign that hypes the "Red, White, Black, and Blue Summer". Ultimate fighting, hockey, and bull riding are one thing, but cycling? Those dudes are wearing spandex and flying down mountainsides. Not a pretty sight when they launch off the edge. We'll be posting after stage nine so watch out for intense commentary that probably centers around the eight bloody marys James will be drinking Tuesday morning.

What about the goodbye drugs?

Welcome to Bigman (yes, one word) Shoes. We're all about Bill Walton sports commentary, Brandon Roy, Greg Oden, Mac-10, The Blazers, Cycling, The Alpenrose Six Day, Big Smooth, Big Stinky, and basically anything SWASS--posse up! We are going to try and keep up with the world of cycling and the NBA simultaniously, although not necessarily coherently or thouroughly. We are two guys who individually can't keep up the rigorous demands of a blog so we hope to pull off one successfully between the two of us.

Questions we hope to address soon include design ideas for the much anticipated "Greg Oden Bigman Shoes" and wagers on which stages in the Tour de France that Satan will make an appearence. So pay attention and bring on the comments. We will be getting busy as soon as we finish drinking these heads.

Sincerely,
Magnum and C-Murder


-Thanks Hazel for the photo!

Al Trautwig--why God, why?

Al Trautwig sucks our will to live. Why is he still allowed to do commentary for the Tour de France? He has been covering the Tour for several years now and as best anyone can tell still knows nothing about the sport. Sure he's probably there as the classic commentator for a sport that is not huge in the USA where the network throws in some yahoo to ask fatuous questions (why would the peleton allow those few riders to ride so far ahead? Shouldn't they ride faster? Why are they even on bicycles?) and basically look ridiculous (his mouth is obscenely oversized and makes us uncomfortable). I fear that after all this time Trautwig actually knows nothing about the sport. Word on the street is that he actually is a knowledgeable respectable commentator for other sports. Apparently Trautwig has even won an Emmy; who would have guessed (although this is based on rather lackluster research efforts). I know that we (though most likely everyone does likewise) record the Tour when the coverage is live (OK. So technically we have someone else record it for us since our houses don't believe in television--we know this is completely un-American but so is watching the tour sans Lance Armstrong) so that we don't have to watch the god awful expanded coverage Versus broadcasts with Trautwig babbling over it.

Solution: Versus (who named this channel?) should fire Al Trautwig and replace him with Bill Walton.


Sure, Walton doesn't know anything about the sport of cycling but at least he would refuse to play the patsy and ask ridiculous questions. Instead, imagine if you will, Bill Walton expounding upon how Shaq isn't even a cyclist but he would still be the most dominant man in the sport next to me, of course--Bill Walton. Also how as the peleton passes by w/ all the brilliant flashing colors it reminds him (Walton) of the Dead show he went to in '89. And how the little cyclists were the Bigmen of the mountains--Throw it down Bigman (in the big ring). "Yes, Levi Leipheimer is great on the climbing stages but he lacks that overall dominance that Shaq has. The last of the true Bigmen. I feel as though Shaq would never allow for him to get this far ahead without taking him to the rim. Did I mention my son, Luke, yet? He is also awesome on a...umm...what do you call these things?...bi-cycle?"

Yes, what a better world it would be. Or maybe not. Who knows? Either way it is a weird Tour so far. So many wrecks and it is getting hard to make bets on this thing. I mean, Linus? Who the fuck? I am losing my shirt over here and in France 22 year old German newbies are putting on the yellow and white jerseys. Freakin' great, keep it up guys, I will be dead in the river with concrete shoes soon enough.